Hi everyone,

Since the holidays are coming sooner than later, here's a fruitcake recipe
(!) I think you'll like.

===
The "Doorstop & Weaponry" Fruitcake Parody
Prep time: 30 minutes | Bake time: 3 hours | Shelf Life: 400 years

Ingredients:

4 lbs of assorted "fruit" (which is actually just glowing, radioactive
neon-green and red cubes of unknown origin)
2 cups of flour (mostly for binding the fruit together, like concrete)
1 cup of pure, unadulterated existential dread bottle of the cheapest brandy
you can find at the package store
3 dozen heavy-duty pecans or walnuts (for structural integrity)
1 cup butter
1 cup dark brown sugar
4 large eggs
Heavy-duty duct tape and cement (optional)

Instructions:

The "Fruit" Prep: In a bowl, toss the neon fruit cubes in the brandy.  Let
it sit until you question your life choices.  The longer it sits, the more
it absorbs the alcohol.

The Cement: Cream the butter and sugar in a large bowl.  Add the eggs one at
a time, pretending it's your sanity slipping away during the holidays.

Mix-in: Fold the flour and the soaked fruit into the batter.  If your wooden
spoon snaps, it means you're doing it right.  You are now making a loaf
capable of stopping a speeding locomotive.

Bake: Pour into a greased pan.  Bake low and slow at 250F for 3 hours.  Your
kitchen will smell vaguely of cinnamon and a pub floor.

The Healing Process: Once baked, turn it out and immediately drown it in
more brandy.  Wrap tightly in cheesecloth, then foil, and store it in a dark
closet.

Aging: "Feed" it with more alcohol every week.  By Christmas next year, it
will be 40% fruit, 40% booze, and 20% hardened sugar.

Serving: Slice using a serrated bread knife and a pair of safety goggles. 
If you don't eat it, it can be passed down to your great-grandchildren as an
heirloom or used for home defense.
===

-- Sean

--- MultiMail/Linux
 * Origin: Outpost BBS * Johnson City, TN (618:618/1)